Friday, 13 February 2009

My Journey

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When I first discovered I was a lightworker I thought it meant I could continually help others to have a better life and in doing so, everything in my life, including my own healing would just fall into place. I have since discovered something bigger and deeper, something with much more meaning.

So many challenges have arisen for so much of humanity, particularly in the areas of finance and health. The experience of my own immediate family was no exception. I was afraid of what might happen to us. Nobody was stepping up and I was the lightworker so I thought I could make things happen and take care of everyone. I would deal with me later.

I took on many extra jobs, anything that made money, and worked to exhaustion. I continually wondered if there was anything else I could squeeze onto my list to make life better for all of us. My hard work was supposed to make everything okay.

At times, I would feel high from the adrenaline of running from place to place, but often I would have breakdowns, become distant, and not be able to function at all. Finally, the swing that was holding my ups and downs, died.

Enough was literally enough. I had to live again and I had to make changes. I could not see the way or think my way to an answer.  I knew I had to go deeper. Using Spirit as my guide, it became clear that there wasn’t enough room in my life to heal everyone in the way that I wanted. Before I could help anyone, I needed to help myself. Over a period of many weeks, it has meant dissolving my pile of jobs and commitments. Looking back, I cannot believe the burden I was trying to carry. Being so busy, I became incapable of making decisions in alignment with my Truth.

Every day I find myself more and more magnetized to the quiet and strength of Spirit that has helped me to live again. From a point of stillness, I realize being a lightworker has much more to do with living consciously than it does with trying to help others solve their problems. Taking responsibility for experiencing my world is a number one priority and the only help I can offer is recommending that others do the same.

For me, self-care has become a natural extension of the voice of Source. Most have heard that nobody will take care of you, but you, however I have found that very few people honor that message. Self-care is often lower on one’s list of priorities and usually comes paired with excuses as to why it isn’t at the top. When I take care to love myself, that is when all else falls into place and I am healed. From that place, I can reflect the light of humanity in a way that is helpful, more clear, and most meaningful.

My financial situation hasn’t changed and yet I have a new perspective seen from brighter eyes. Practices like meditation, yoga, and the freedom to daydream are no longer shelved for another day. I am at peace more often. I give myself to the quiet more often. I find no real reason to hurry or to think that I am missing out by taking the time to feel. I AM patience. My trust now lies in the assurance that when everything seems to be failing it is just a chance to be born again, to love one’s self again.

To live in Truth I find I must go slower to find the voice within. Sometimes this means not making a decision about something right away or ignoring the pull of instant gratification. Stripping away all expectations and the desire to people please, helps me to honor the heart and not compromise. Many times I have found myself going against all logic to stay true. Fear still greets me on a daily basis, but I can choose for something deeper. I have proven to myself that if I remain conscious, love can be the greatest dictator.

Enlightenment, for me, is no longer the destination it once was. Holding a place for Truth in consciousness is where I am and I will take it with me everywhere I go. In every moment I can be the center of my universe.

There is far more for me to learn in this life, more things to be communicated in the quiet of a beating heart. I am listening intently now, so that I may feel the love and see the light.